You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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