if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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