checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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