I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
