i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
