you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
