I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
