we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Two words: blizzard sex
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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