i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
