I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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