you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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