If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The best revenge is premature balding
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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