2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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