my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
