I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
