Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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