so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
