True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
love makes seman taste better
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
