i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
