I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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