sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
