Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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