it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
