I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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