I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
