I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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