I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
