On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
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needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
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He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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