genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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