They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
