She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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