my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize