Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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