his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
