Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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