i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
