i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
