The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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