Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
