i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.