yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
