smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
