I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
