I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
