my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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