my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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