I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.