I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.