its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
how drunk are you?
Several
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
