I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you didnt know i had herpes?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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