i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
