Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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