I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
