i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
