the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
