My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my shit smells like andre
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
