oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You're like the curious george of whores
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
