I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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